Writing about Weddings

In Sondheim’s musical Company, the paranoid bride-to-be Amy sings, “A wedding, what’s a wedding? It’s a prehistoric ritual/where everybody promises fidelity forever/Which is maybe the most horrifying word I’ve ever heard…” Perhaps she overthinks things a touch.

After many conversations at recent weddings, it occurred to me that clarification around the vocabulary of the union of hearts and souls might come in handy for writers as well as those planning upcoming nuptials.

Wedding

Amy is correct: a wedding is a ritual. It’s an event. An occasion. A ceremony. Sometimes it involves a lavish party (called a reception), but all a wedding truly is, is a promise ceremony—of which there are multiple kinds.

Religious Ceremony

A religious ceremony is defined by the organized religion the couple practices. Usually, a cleric of the denomination presides (but not always). For some religions, the wedding must happen in the place of worship for it “to count.” More on that later.

Commitment Ceremony

A commitment ceremony happens anywhere and any way the couple wants. You want your wedding at the top of a mountain? Have all the guests jump out of a plane with you to take a literal leap? Or do you want to have a fairly traditional ceremony in a garden? Then you want a commitment ceremony.

Civil Ceremony

A civil ceremony happens at a courthouse or other government building and is overseen by a government official, such as a judge or a notary.

Marriage

Simply put, marriage means a lasting relationship. It is a promise two people make to each other that forms a bond, usually/quite often based on love.

Historically, marriages were arranged to build political power, unify countries, make peace between feuding rivalries, build communities, or for other reasons that have little or nothing to do with love. I prefer the sunnier, loving version, don’t you?

Many people think once the wedding or ceremony takes place and the vows are pronounced that they are legally married. They can behave as if that is so, but to them I say, “Not so fast, Quick Draw.” Toss the bouquets and box the cake, ‘cause a marriage is not legally recognized without certain provisions in place.

Legal Marriage

A legal marriage means the couple is married in accordance with the law of the land. To make the marriage legal, the couple complies with government regulations, most specifically by securing a marriage license. Getting a marriage license requires one or more documents to prove identity, such as birth certificates, legal identification papers, or social security cards. The license must be applied for within a few days of the ceremony (often involving notarization), signed by the couple and officiant after they are wed, and filed with the municipality where they are married. 

A legal marriage must be conducted by a recognized officiant. This could be a religious official, government officer, or a someone certified as a wedding officiant. You’ve probably heard jokes about becoming a minister by applying to an ad in Rolling Stone Magazine, and, yes, that is one way. But to be the officiant of a legal marriage, one must have a wedding officiant license. That old Repo Man quote, “Wherever you go, there you are,” may apply here. The officiant usually must be approved by the powers that be in the place the couple is getting married.

In many states, a marriage is not considered legal without one or more witnesses. Sometimes that witness can be a government official, including the one who conducts the ceremony, but it might require more than that. You can bring your own witnesses, grab someone in the hall to witness the event, or bring a busload. The witness requirement instituted what we now call “best man” and “maid of honor.”  This tradition has held over into modern versions of wedding ceremonies without the gender constraints of the titles. Our daughter had bridesmaids and bridesmen, and my sister-in-law was her nephew’s “groomsma’am.” I’ve attended weddings with a “best babe” and a “dude of honor.”

Religious Marriage

Many organized religions will not recognize a marriage that takes place outside the place of worship. The union must be conducted according to the religion’s canon and traditions. For example, the Catholic Church will only acknowledge the union of individuals (at least one of whom must be Catholic) married in a Catholic church by a Catholic cleric. However, even a religious marriage is not recognized as a legal marriage until the license has been filed.

Civil Marriage/Civil Union

A civil marriage is a legally binding marriage with a non-religious ceremony.

Civil unions are legally recognized “non-marriages.” The people being joined want to make a promise to each other to be together without involving the word “marriage.” Paperwork is still necessary to make it legally stick.

Why Worry About Legal Marriage?

If you want to make legal or medical decisions for your spouse/partner, should they lose the capacity to do so for themselves (that’s the “for worse” part of the traditional vow), then the marriage must be legal. It doesn’t matter if you own a house or a dog or have kids together. If you don’t have a legal marriage and something happens to one of you, the decisions will be out of your hands.

Everybody Has a Wedding Story

One of my favorites is about a wedding my sister attended. After the vows and kiss, the groom turned to the congregation, held both hands high in the rock and roll devil’s horns position (which, ironically, is the same as the ASL sign for “I love you”), and shouted, “All right! Now let’s have some Guns ‘n’ Roses!”

It’s all about the love.